About a week ago my Facebook newsfeed was inundated with angry reactions to some fellow’s column claiming that roller derby isn’t a sport. My derby community was outraged and I was grizzled.

Adrian Taylor of the The Rockhampton Morning Bulletin is apparently a humor columnist, although he uses the British spelling “humour.” Unfortunately, Mr. Taylor isn’t funny. I’m sure he gets his jollies by inciting sharp reactions from readers, but his criticism of roller derby was both unfounded and vacant.

His contrite and pompous column boiled down to this:

“I hate sports that don’t involve balls.”  (Whoa… so many insinuations there, I’ll let you, the reader, figure them all out.) Just kidding (or am I?).

The problem with Mr. Taylor’s diatribe is two parted. First, he fails to have any meaningful discussion regarding the merits of roller derby being classified as a sport or a non-sport.

Second, and the most troubling to the derby community—his attitude is one shared by most roller derby skeptics.

Mr. Taylor says: “As far as I can tell it involves a number of well-built young women in various stages of undress, roller skating with malicious intent.” Translation: “Roller derby is a bunch of fat, naked girls on roller skates and knocking into each other for no reason.”

Mr. Taylor must have had his head buried in a beer or is a bigger fan of girls in fishnets than he admits, because it sounds to me like he didn’t actually watch the action.

He goes on to list those six total activities he deems worthy of the title “sport” and lists his criteria:

“You will notice that these sports combine finely honed skills, finesse, strategy and guile and to excel at them requires a high degree of strength and fitness.”

I don’t know what derby bout Adrian Taylor saw, and frankly I don’t care. He should have done his homework. If he had done any kind of research on the roots of roller derby or its current resurgence among women and now men, he wouldn’t have written such an insipid column.

Claiming that there is no skill, finesse, strategy, strength or fitness displayed in roller derby is absurd. He must not have bothered to watch any of this year’s Regional or Championship bouts, where the derby community saw truly spectacular feats of athleticism and savvy.  

I’ve seen jammers approaching a pack at full speed (and when I say full speed, I mean the kind of speeds reached by professional speed skaters because several of them are former professional speed skaters), stop on a dime; and then tip-toe their way through a gauntlet of viciously moving objects only to escape completely unscathed.

We’ve seen skaters challenging the laws of physics by flinging opponents over track-lines; and displaying some of the most complicated and mind-boggling foot-work and strategic planning seen on quad skates.

Derby nerds all over the world had their minds blown over and over as team strategies continued to morph and flex so distinctly over only a few short months: displaying the cerebral challenge that roller derby offers. It is an ever changing game; one that habitually fluctuates as the rules are frequently updated and clarified; and as the strategies implemented by each team are adjusted and modified.

Just because roller derby is currently operating at an amateur level does not make it a non-sport. It makes it a new sport. And it’s a sport that is relentlessly gaining dexterous and skilled skaters. We are seeing world class speed skaters, hockey players, figure skaters, jam skaters and your run of the mill crazy-amazing rink rats joining roller derby in fleets. The skating skills being brought to the game are constantly pushing the athletic level of roller derby higher and higher.  

Still, I think the most telling quip of Taylor’s rant is the manner in which he ends it: “If it involves wearing fishnet stockings then, however sporty the players might appear, they are not taking part in a sport.”

That’s like saying Sporty Spice wasn’t sporty because she wore glitter eyeshadow. Pffffft.

It seems to me Mr. Taylor is just jealous that no one cares to see his “bouncy bits” whether harnessed in fishnets or not. The tights are there to protect skaters from giving themselves “rink rash,” which can be a rather nasty little burn and is incredibly annoying.

The fishnets are simply a relic left-over from the older, campier side of modern roller derby. What’s so wrong with a little throw-back to your roots… or, oh no! having a little fun?! I don’t see Taylor laying into David Beckham for the tattoos and faux-hawk he sports…it’s called style, man.

I didn’t slight you for liking cricket, so leave my roller derby alone.