Yeah, my Facebook name is Carrie — but in roller derby circles I’m Shimmy Hoffa, Arch Rival Roller Girl. I play for St. Louis' first and only all-women’s flat track roller derby league.

I love gold, possibly more than Goldmember from the Austin Powers film. I wear gold shorts, gold infused fishnets, sparkly gold eye-shadow, and will soon have my very own gold helmet.

Gold is my signature, so you readers should learn to love it.

Now don’t be fooled by the seductive fishnets and teeny-tiny booty shorts. Derby girls are athletes, and roller derby is a real sport with complicated strategies, rules, safe words and referees.

The sport has two basic roles: jammer and blocker.

Jammers are attention whores. They wear, what we in the industry call, “helmet panties.”

Try not to get overexcited by all the “panty” talk. This panty is just a helmet cover that has a giant star emblazoned on each side, so everyone pays attention to the shiny jammer.

They’re also the point scorers.

Blockers are bullies and general badasses. Their job is to beat the snot out of the opposing jammer and each other.

We play what are coined “bouts,” which is just a fancy word for a game. There are two, 30-minute periods comprised of multiple “jams.” Each jam has the ability to last a maximum of two minutes.

At the start of the jam, four blockers from each team will start skating in a pack in which they slam into each other, claw each other’s eyes out and fight for dominant position on the track. Then, the jammers come into the picture.

The jammers race each other through the pack to see who can pass through the gauntlet of blockers as unscathed as possible. The first jammer to exit the pack gets to call herself “Lead Jammer,” which means ole’ attention-face can call the jam off before the two-minute mark.

On the jammer’s second pass through the pack, she starts accruing points; one for each opposing player she passes. At the end of the day, the team with the most points wins.

So now that you’ve read the quick and dirty version of Roller Derby 101, you should probably go witness the debauchery for yourself. Honestly, everything’s better in 3D. And if you sit close enough to the track, you might end up with a derby girl or two in your lap.